Rejected Ideas 6

Although all my blog posts from my tour are being held as evidence I was able to send several ideas to the WDA and subsequently get several ideas rejected which I can now post here so you may bathe in their glory.

Autonomic Sheep Shearing Device

The motivation behind this invention is quite simple really, although it does relate to one of the most tragic moments of my entire life up until last Tuesday when [MainCharacter] from [PopularShow] was [KilledHorribly] by [Bears], I was absolutely distraught, even my dogs could do little to console me.

Like all of my best ideas this one is spurred by my love for my dogs which is entirely plutonic and has never been picketed by a radical Christian movement. Never.
On countless occasions one or more of my dogs has become entangled in one of my neighbour’s automatic sheep shearing machines because the lazy bastard can’t be bothered to shear them himself. His ‘machine’ is nothing more than a dozen or so electric shearers taped inside a small tunnel which the sheep are then led through. Barbaric if you ask me. Unfortunately this tunnel is identical to the one that I have trained my dogs to use to escape the caravan in case of emergencies (fire, flood, locusts etc).

I can’t say how many times one of my dogs has returned home cold and naked after that terrible man's machine driven perversions, I literally cannot say how many times as the trauma of each event has seriously scarred my brain. In fact just to attempt to recall any of the occasions results in a serious headache followed by a brief period of vomiting, such as the one coming up now.
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Apologies, I feel much better now and I shall get back to my invention at once. I think with just a few simple tweaks such as a wireless neural animal interface and a diamond-edged micron accurate lathe-shear the design could be vastly improved. I was also thinking we could breed a new species of ant that would collect the fallen wool and roll it into balls but rejected this idea as being too farfetched. The basic idea is that the machine will interface with the sheep via the neural interface which will in turn explain to it how short it wants its wool to be cut. This will vastly benefit the sheep by allowing it to better regulate its own body temperature and grooming habits, the farmer will also benefit by requiring far less labour and only slightly increased running costs and initial unit purchase price of roughly £200,000. Most importantly however this machine will ensure that no dog ever gets its hair unwillingly cut again, thus solving one of the most widespread and destructive influences of modern agriculture. I have foreseen only one issue with the device and that is the homeless issue, naturally no farmer wants the living blight perusing his land looking for a free haircut and so I propose two additional ideas to deal with this which can be found below.

I eagerly await your approval.


Homeless Solution 1: Mobile Soup Kitchens

Quite simply we build a fleet of mobile soup kitchens which will roam the land and essentially herd up the homeless who will of course follow in its wake like the sheep they are (PUN!). Using this method they could be led away from vital areas such as farms, hospitals and schools to be taken elsewhere, this would work fine on its own but in the long term it may be more financially sound to use this as the first step and the following practise as a 'final solution.'


Homeless Solution 2: MASS CULL
Quite simply we round up the homeless and kill them on mass, I think that is about all the explaining I need to do here...


WDA Response:

Perhaps it is just me but I have never had an issue with my dog becoming 'entangled' in a sheep shearing device. Hold on, I'll ask around the office...

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No, no one here seems to have had that problem before and Jeff does run a dog and sheep farm/sanctuary in Wiltshire on his days off. I'm not really sure there is a market for your device Trevor, perhaps you can design and build one with your own finances for your neighbour but the WDA will not fund this research.

Also I have to say that I find your ideas regarding the 'homeless issue' to be deeply distasteful and I can't help being reminded of a notorious dictator from many years ago.
Now I must bid you adieu whilst I go watch some hardcore pornography to get this image of Margaret Thatcher out of my head.

Idea Rejected