Branching Out...

I have been told by certain parties that shall remain nameless, owing to a lack of creativity in coming up with names on the spot, that I should really be more in touch with the news and general goings on in the world. Clearly he, or she (I have yet to decide) is wrong but like the old saying goes I figured: 'When in Rome... why not pay the Pope a visit, I hear he rather enjoys tea and scones with passersby, but don't try him on a Wednesday because he gets a bit grouchy after his dialysis and bloodletting treatments, but otherwise pop by any time...'

So I have decided to pay the proverbial Pope a visit and take a look at what is currently going on in the world by reading the BBC website. My my, it is quite a change from my usual reading list of scientific papers, caravaning thesis' and dog enthusiast forums I can tell you!


Robbie Punches Hooligan

For starters I have learned that 'Take That and Robbie confirm tour,' now I can only assume and hope that the writer behind this story was fired shortly after for the obvious grammatical errors, since the BBC have refused to reply to my inquiry on the subject. I presume that what the writer meant to say was '"Take That!" shouts Robbie whilst confirming tour' but alas I cannot be sure. It is a mystery as to why anyone would shout such a thing in any situation other than punching a hooligan for scrawling libelous statements about the police all over your caravan or disciplining a dog with a newspaper for desecrating one's carpet/cherished photo albums/other dogs.


That said I am also at somewhat of a loss as to just what a 'Robbie' is, I went into the story with the natural assumption that he was some kind of semi-fictional crime fighting superhero with 'Take That!' being his catch phrase... however after briefly reading it I am no more enlightened as to his purpose or role in society. Like so many things it remains a mystery.



UK recovery steady, says Osborne

I was most pleased to here this, naturally, despite not knowing what an 'Osborne' is either. We all wish you the best UK, enjoy the grapes, get well soon and give my regards to your family and doctors. That's all I have on that one...



Crows, Crows and More Crows

My eye was caught (in a matter of speaking, fortunately online advertising has yet to develop the means to literally catch one's eye, owing to the lack of opposable thumbs, hands, a physical presence etc) by the story: 'Clever New Caledonian crows go to parents' tool school.'
Now I think I can safely say here that I neither have the slightest idea what the fuck (if you will pardon the rare profanity) this story is about, nor do I have the ability to prevent myself from vomiting up my own spleen, through sheer bloody mindless rage, for long enough to bother finding out. The writer is obviously a timewasting fuckhead with the journalistic skills of a mentally retarded, physically repulsive and venereal disease ridden prostitute who has entirely failed to develop the appropriate skills to suck her way up to the head of the BBC. Merely stumbling off the cock-sucking ladder and breaking every infected rung on the way down to the rat infested sewage pit that is the, not-fit-to-be-called-news, filler section of the BBC.

'It just caught fire'

They are merely the equivalent of the poor, down trodden whore that is forced to service insane, excrement-smeared, racist war veterans in the nursing home of discontent and fear, FEAR! I can only assume that literally nothing else has happened in the world this week to ensure that this story appears on the front page. The numerous wars that American has stumbled into like the down syndrome kid destroying the cake at the party of analogy must have all come to a neat, peaceful conclusion. All the major world religions have finally got over themselves and decided to stop throwing bibles at one another. Even the constant stream of doomsayers that have nothing better to do that to claim, nay insist, that the world is surely going to be blown to pieces very soon by some kind of intergalactic cockrocket (good 80's hairmetal band name that) have at last come to their senses and decided to shut the fuck up. Crows, that is all that is left to report on, officially the age old chain of human progression and endeavour has buckled and snapped like so many poorly thought out metaphors and we have come to a halt.Crows, fucking crows. FEAR!

Additional confusing, out-of-context subtitle

I have never respected the BBC, not after what they did to Saddam Hussein, but now the last, wrinkled up slither of integrity they had has been amputated in some gruesome, medieval, metaphorical cock severing surgery by the insane, rampant, perverted public that they call a fanbase. So filled with wrath at the sheer thought of this story am I that I have been rendered utterly incapable of entirely finishing a proper sentence without it appearing to look like it sounds all wrong and frankly bizarre too, yes. My swear jar is going to be overflowing tonight, to the point where it threatens to fall through the floor of my caravan and be lost to the money-grabbing, illegitimate-snake-in-the-grass, ragamuffin, gypsy-bastard, Gimli son of Gloin, local children.

Ah, much better, now that I have gone blindly off the rails like a train driven by Stevie Wonder, killing hundreds of innocent passengers like so many fury dissolved brain cells, simply at the title, I might actually read the story...