The small Bamboo cane you can get from Ikea, you'll know the one I mean if you have been near any high end estate agents or office reception, comes with a label pointing out that it is not edible. This raises a number of very confusing, or perhaps worrying, questions.
Firstly, who is going food shopping in Ikea and is a label on bamboo really enough to stop these people? I say every piece of furniture not only be given a name in Swedish but also a large 'Do Not Eat' label, preferably in English for the sake of comprehension. The old 'But I don't speak Swedish' defense has been used in court one too many times for my liking and I've no intention of making it any more commonplace. Frankly when it starts successfully acquitting people of genocide it has really become beyond a joke. I had always been under the impression that desperate pain-filled murder-fearing screams were the same in any language...
Then there is the issue of why anyone would even contemplate eating bamboo without having expended every other option first. Surely most people do not need this label since they already heed the unspoken warning of the pandas and stay well clear of it. Bamboo leads to bad things, like the extinction of your entire species, it is a 'gateway plant' and soon leads to a diet solely consisting of entirely nutrient devoid plants: grass, daffodils, rice, etc.
Ok so Ikea may get one or two hunger crazed vegans meandering through its stores from time to time looking for their next fix, but if they are desperately starved and perverse enough to start chomping on ornamental bamboo I hardly think they are going to stop for small print.
If this is indeed, as I suspect, the case and the predominant reason for the warning then I suggest strategically placed vegan buffets throughout the main incident hot spots to curve the pre-established bamboo feasting trend. Since non vegans (Norms) may mistake these buffets for the garden section they should be labelled clearly as emergency vegan refueling stations and it should be made obvious that the plants are not for garden purposes, perhaps with 'Do Not Cultivate' labels on each plant...
It is time the world recognised veganity for what it is and started making allowances and adaptations to accepted protocol. Overeating, bulimia and anorexia have long been recognised ailments and the life crippling, antisocial (who ever heard of a vegan barbecue) trend that is veganism should join them. It is not fair to simply expect these people to function in the world like normal, they simply do not have the strength or energy reserves required to make it round a large shop like Ikea without stopping to rest and eat along the way.
I have been led to believe that Vegans need furniture just like Norms but how are they supposed to purchase of it in the cruel modern world we have assembled like so many cheap flat-pack cupboards? The world has been built by Norms, for Norms and the Vegans are increasingly going the way of the Panda in their struggle to survive. We must preserve this once great and noble beast whilst we still can. There are already plenty of poncy Vegan 'food' shops/garden centres around so clearly they are not going to go hungry (figuratively speaking) any time soon. Just like the Panda however it is not starving to death so much as it is standing to death that's the problem.
The Vegan Menace simply has no way to acquire chairs and no significant bone or muscle mass to facilitate standing. Contrary to popular belief Vegans do not sleep hanging upside down from the ceiling, nor do they reside in the coffins of abandoned crypts. Their similarity to vampires is coincidental, both supernatural afflictions being brought on by extremist diets. It is true that, like vampires, they too were once human but unlike the Sanguinarians they still require rest, sitting and for the blood of all creatures to remain indefinitely within them.
Let us address the issue by considering, for a moment (no longer than medically advised), that we are a Vegan.
Let us get into character.
Look down at your hideously deformed body, skin so pasty and thin it almost appears as if no blood flows beneath it. Feel your slip of a belly growling for something, anything with nourishment and flavour to it (do not be tempted to give in to it, in your current mindset it could kill you). Imagine an animal dying. Feel inappropriately angry. Imagine a person dying. Feel inexplicably not quite as angry. Fur is murder fur is murder fur is murder fur is murder fur is murder fur is...
Sorry, it almost took me.
Now we are ready.
You are Vegan. You require chair.
So we go online to buy one, but wait, computers are 20% biological material and the manufacturing process alone kills up to 20 chickens per machine. The poultry must be sacrificed to appease the Binary Gods and persuade them to infuse the machine with a portal to the internet. Only the blood of the innocent will slake their maniacal, digital, thirst. According to our fanatical beliefs this is wrong, no blood can be shed during the manufacture of our computers, sheer lunacy! How do we expect to get online without animal sacrifice? Well of course we can't, Veganists have yet to devise a way and science believes it impossible to build a computer with any less than 5% animal parts. Bloodlust is the only way, only through death will we access our email.
What option is there then? Well of course we could drive to the store, oh no, but wait, our car runs on petrol. Petrol is made from the ancient decomposed remains of plants... and animals. The book of Veganity or 'The Vegil' states that:
'no dinosaur shall you harm, for they are the ultimate animal, to partake of their flesh is a heresy of the highest order.'
Clearly, and by our own bizarre admission, using the already dead parts of these animals as fuel for our cars is a crime. We cannot drive to the store, we must... walk. Walking is, of course, the ultimate challenge for any Vegan, worse even than climbing stairs or making even vaguely interesting conversation points at a dinner party which don't start with 'you shouldn't be eating...', 'meat is...' or 'you do know how bad that brie stuffed, bacon wrapped kitten is for you right?'
Even a simple journey of one mile requires at least two days planning and almost a ton of provisions.
Due to their minuscule, almost subhuman, proportions, a muscle percentage of only 5%, a bone mass of around 10% and an approximate body fat content of -5% travelling can take up to 50 times as long. These figures, despite appearing not to add up, to be conveniently round and to be entirely formed from illogical fiction are most definitely correct, the rest of their body mass is air, yes, Vegans are almost 90% air.
Having negative body fat may well be the dream of all of Hollywood but in reality it means that Vegans use almost all the energy in their meals to digest their next meal. Should they go over an hour without eating they will most likely die. Their capacity to store energy is so poor that they actually only produce body heat whilst eating, just ten minutes after a meal their skin has returned to its cool, almost undead, feel.
During a one mile walk to the furniture store the average Vegan, and they are all average as individuality is the first thing lost to the sickness, will need to eat thirty times. Since all Vegan food is poisonous if not prepared correctly each meal must be cooked for at least an hour. This requires the creature to carry large amounts of food (leaves and dried roots mostly), fuel (again leaves) and cooking equipment (leaves again, somehow). Vegan cooking has often been called one of the cultural wonders of the world, but is scarcely observed in their natural habitat.
You are at journeys end, several days have passed and finally you have arrived at the furniture shop. What now? Well you must act quickly, it is after all only 50 minutes til your next meal time and that will take an hour to cook, leaving you minus ten minutes to browse the wares. If you try to cook inside or near the store you will be arrested for crimes against nature and for unlawful pollution. You must also remember to avert your eyes at the sight of any leather or imitation leather chairs, (looking at leather products, except live cows, for any length of time causes retinal bleeding in Vegans and in extreme cases fatal brain hemorrhage). This startling fact, coupled with the ban on sacrilegious dinosaur burning is the reason you'll never find a Vegan biker gang. Unlike vampires of course, which if TV is to be believed will occasionally form a biker gang for unknown, assumedly evil, purposes. The store manager has kicked you out for desperately trying to roll up and smoke a Wholemeal Organic Lettuce and Carrot Organic Vegetable Panini you had stashed in your pocket for emergencies.
Several days later you arrive back at home, hungry, much poorer and still without chair.
You stand in your corner and let unconsciousness take you.
Will you ever wake again?
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