The Pope 2: This Time it's Personal

After his visit to Glasgow the Pope has reconsidered his stance on the existence of god and was quoted as saying: "Having grown up under the iron fist of the Nazi regime I am unfortunately all too familiar with the lowest and most distressing sides of humanity." Eye witnesses say he paused as if trying to hold back his dry, ancient tears before going on to say: "I was indoctrinated into an evil organisation and made to do unspeakable things to the poor and the needy, but no longer shall I live my life under the oppressive brown leather sandal that is the Catholic Church. I can now safely say that there is no god."

A stunned silence befell the crowd as he was dragged from the stage by two cardinals whilst a third attempted to gag the 112 year old man (citation needed). Moments later a Popemobile was spotted speeding from the scene, it's windows blacked out and a strange cloud of noxious gas spewing from the seams of the window.

An official spokesman for the Pope said: "The Pope is very old and doesn't always know what he is saying, he has recently been suffering from a terrible affliction that we have yet to come up with a name for, I mean, that we have been unable to diagnose. Anything the Pope may or may not have said should probably be disregarded and also does not represent the opinions or official position of the Catholic Church, The Vatican, Pope INC, Popemobiles LTD, McDonalds or God." He then attempted to assuage the crowd by saying that any false claims he had made were simply as a result of visiting Glasgow, rather than being a former Nazi, current Catholic. Fifty people were injured and five killed in the ensuing riots but the smug little bastard still got away, sorry, impartial Trevor, impartial.


Journalists and passersby outside the Concrete Jungle B&B (For the Sights, Sounds and Smells of Glasgow), where the Pope was reputed to be staying claim to have seen the elderly icon attempting to scale down the side of the building before being dragged back into his room by Catholic security. Several people managed to capture images of the carceral Catholic trying to escape, however most of them were using mobile phone cameras and so the results are ambiguous at best. They are however currently being featured in a modern art installation at the Tate (for more information please see: www.digitalpopephotos.com and www.isawthepopeandalligotwasthislousyphoto.co.uk).

That night an official post went up on the Pope's blog and twitter feed saying: "I am very sorry for my actions and of course did not mean anything I said, I am currently seeking help from a psychiatrist and from God." However just moments later in an apparent attempt to seize back control of his keyboard and online presence another post appeared simply reading: "thgere is nogod there is no god ther is jo god."

It is not yet clear what this means for the Pope or the state of the Catholic church, certainly it is the first notable case in history whereby the Pope has denounced god and his religion. The only other case on record was when Pope Benedict X accidentally spelled out 'there is no god' and 'faith is a lie' in two consecutive games of Catholic Scrabble (like normal Scrabble only with communion wafers instead of  the usual plastic or wooden tiles).

In the meantime several spokesmen for the church and the Pope have been trying to restore the idealised image held by the Catholic faith by doing the usual thing of calling condoms evil, denouncing scientific breakthroughs that would save millions of people a slow and painful death and calling pretty well every other group of people (besides Catholics, naturally) Nazis. They are of course entitled to do such outrageous things since they are the master race.

All bow down to the master race.