Monday Night Musings

Ok so it's not Monday in the strictest sense of the word, as strict as one can be about these things that is, frankly the whole week generally blurs into one terrible... blur most of the time anyway. Also I am fairly sure that I have either stolen that title from some magazine/blog that I cannot recall the name of or from several magazines/blogs that I cannot recall the names of. Regardless theft is theft and quantity scarcely seems to work as a defence, as can clearly be cited in the famous case of 'Dave the House Nicker' in which the defendant, Dave, claimed that he could not be 'done' for burglary since he was not stealing mere trinkets from the victims houses but in fact the houses themselves, brick by brick, mortar, foundations, garden (somehow) and all. The case naturally fell down, as did many of the stolen houses, when he claimed that since everything inside the houses, which he had not stolen, were now inside his property then he technically owned them.

Anyway, like the subject of this particular whatever-the-hell-day-it-is musing I fear I have gone somewhat adrift from the plot. I was considering, as I so often do, the fate of one 'Orlando Bloom' star of films and... stuff. The particular stuffette that led me to this consideration was the Pirates of the Caribbean film series, which I have been led to believe he starred in (previously I had considered his role to be portrayed by a very convincing animatronic puppet).

I had noticed, in the course of my watchings, that the character portrayed by 'Mr Orlando' spends a good deal of his time swimming from place to place and jumping/falling off ships, hence leading to him being required to swim from place to place in the first... place. Given his apparent knack for these aquatic acrobatics I have come to conclude that he is a fish. Seems like a simple enough conclusion right? I'm sure it is one many of you have come to before, likely after too much Stilton or some bad eggs but such is the heightened degree to which my mind can process obscure thought I do not need such pollutants to conjure these images (although that Brie was a little... bluer than I care for).

If this story were to end here then that would be that, no revelation would have been revealed, etc. However it appears to me as though Will Turner is not actually a fish, surely the role was not written as such anyway, I get the impression that the part was moulded and changed to fit the style of 'Orlando Bloom' who I have come to conclude must be the fish. Obviously the evidence of him swimming about a bit in a series of films is not enough to convict him and get the fryer heated up, but consider, for a moment, his other 'works.'

He falls out of a Black Hawk in the film of the same name, or the film of that name with 'Down' added after it anyhow. Down in the context of the direction, the direction in which he falls (I believe that is why the film is called such) and not meaning the feathers of a bird, though with the whole 'Black Hawk' thing that conclusion could too easily be drawn. In fact he falls out of a Black Hawk helicopter and not a young bird of prey, though that would have made the film so much better, if not a somewhat dubious factual account of a historical event.

You may ask: 'What has this got to do with fish?' and you would be right to ask it. Well done. Granted it would have been a dead give away that he was a fish had he have been dropped from the talons of a hawk rather than falling from a helicopter but then think about it... What would a fish do in that situation? If you were so inclined to bring a salmon or a small tuna along on a elite military operation and were capable of convincing your sergeant that it was mission critical, perhaps for luring bears out of hiding, then what is the first thing it would likely do? Yes, you've got it: fall out of a helicopter.

Fish can't be trusted in a helicopter, they are unaccustomed to the gyration of the rotor blades and lack the appendages to hold on to the available hand holds. Also they are shit at manning the 50 cal.

Fish fall out of helicopters.

'Orlando Bloom' falls out of helicopters.

'Orlando Bloom' is a fish.

The evidence is insurmountable.


Also he plays an elf in Lord of the Rings and that's obviously just a metaphor for a trout.